All the Girls I’ve Been

I made this picture today.

Three versions of me. Six years old. Eighteen. Fifty-five.

That little girl had no idea what was coming.

The Six-Year-Old…

That little girl in yellow used to spin in her princess dress, wearing a crown and her mama’s makeup, lost in fantasy worlds of love and laughter.

But she was also born different. A seer. A psychic medium. A channel.

She saw the world no one else could see. She felt the lies adults told. She watched them be cruel and couldn’t understand why.

This world confused her. She felt very lonely.

Right after this picture was taken, her stepfather left. She was confused and afraid. She wouldn’t talk to him again for five years.

And because he had abused her, she figured it was her fault.

She didn’t know what else was coming. More abuse - physical, sexual, religious. Humiliation. Neglect.

She just knew she felt alone.

The Eighteen-Year-Old…

This picture was taken in West Yellowstone, Montana. I was at the playhouse putting on a show of a lifetime, falling in love for the first time.

I was alive. Performing. Dreaming.

I didn’t know I was about to get sick. Really sick, for a long time.

The psychotropic drugs to manage all my negative emotions. Fourteen rounds of shock therapy injured my brain. Hospital stays because I just couldn’t pull it together. Surgeries - exploratory surgeries trying to find out why my body wasn’t working right.

I didn’t know I’d marry a man who wasn’t interested in me and spend years thinking I was the problem.

I raised my children the best I could. I performed “good wife” and “good mother” like my survival depended on it.

And I slowly disappeared.

The Fifty-Five-Year-Old…

At 36, I found the love of my life. To be with him, I left the religion I loved more than anything.

It almost broke me.

I got sick again. Brain injury. My nervous system shattered.

But I healed. I rebuilt myself from the ground up.

At 45, I became an international healer and coach. People rely on what I say to bring them peace and help them break open to the truth of themselves.

Now I live in a beautiful home with a husband who worships the ground I walk on. I look in people’s eyes and see the truth of their souls. I feel the power of God moving through me.

I became my own best friend. I trust myself implicitly - I know exactly what to do and when to do it.

I am an expression of the divine. A queen. Whole.

What I Never Expected

I never expected abandonment at six or blaming myself for abuse that wasn’t mine to carry.

I never expected psychotropic drugs, shock therapy, hospital stays, surgeries searching for answers that didn’t exist in my body - they existed in my life.

I never expected to feel so lonely with gifts no one understood.

I never expected a marriage where I disappeared trying to be enough.

I never expected to choose love at 36 and have to burn my entire life down to claim it.

I never expected my son to cut me off with the cruelty that still takes my breath.

I never expected to mother wild renegade stepchildren who weren’t mine by birth but became mine by choice.

I never expected nights so dark I couldn’t see morning coming.

But I also never expected God whispering “keep going” when everyone screamed stop.

I never expected to trust that voice more than the chorus telling me I’d destroy everything.

I never expected to heal people across the world or live in beauty with a man who sees me as divine.

I never expected to look in eyes and witness souls or become my own best friend.

And I never expected to remember everything and weep while writing this because it’s all so much bigger than we can see.

There’s so much more coming.

We just have to keep walking.

To the Six-Year-Old…

Baby, I’m so sorry.

Your stepfather leaving isn’t your fault. The abuse isn’t your fault. None of it.

Those gifts that make you feel so lonely? They’re going to save lives one day. Including your own.

You survive this. You become powerful, free, unbreakable.

Everything that tries to destroy you fails.

You were never meant to stay small.

To the Eighteen-Year-Old…

Sweet girl, I know you’re trying so hard.

The sickness, the marriage, the years of thinking you’re broken - it’s coming.

The drugs, the shock therapy, the hospitals, the surgeries - all of it.

But here’s the truth: the breaking is the beginning.

You’re going to walk away from everything you think you’re supposed to be.

You’re going to trust God when everyone screams you’re destroying your life.

And you’re going to be right.

I’ve already done it.

To the Fifty-Five-Year-Old (Me, Now)…

Look at you.

You walked through fire and became flame.

You carry the six-year-old’s gifts as power. You carry the eighteen-year-old’s dreams as wisdom.

You live in beauty with a man who worships you. You heal people worldwide. You see souls and feel God moving through you.

You’re your own best friend. You trust yourself completely.

You are everything they said you couldn’t be.

And there’s so much more coming.

You’re just getting started.

To Every Woman Reading This…

You are all the girls you’ve ever been.

The dreamer. The lonely one. The broken one. The rising one.

Carry them all forward.

Everything is bigger than we can see.

There’s so much more coming.

You were never meant to stay small.

You were meant to thrive.

We just have to keep walking.

Mama Tiff
👑 Queen Taboo
& Channel of 🔵THE BLUE